As another week draws to a close, I reflect on an intense week and I find myself with emotions that perplex my entire sense of reality! With pause, I still myself for inner direction ~ a word or impression of meaning to flow within my soul. Silence. Silence that captures my heart with longings that I have suppressed in order to function in the treachery of imposed religious/cultural defined roles and meanings. A flood of emotions from the core of my being sounds an alarm of panic and still there is silence within my soul ~ mystery of the unknown. Do I dare walk down this road again, bare my soul, believe or imagine that there is a rhyme or reason to this journey?
My hand reaches to pick up books that I had laid down ~ books that fed my soul and imagination with purpose and meaning. Theologians who made me think and sit in awe of the possibilities of a reality my heart had not phantomed. My mind would spend endless hours, days, weeks, and months entwined with a hunger of searching, yearning, and longing to increase my understanding ~ to feed my curiosity of life… breath! Do I dare pull these books from the attic and allow my soul this freedom? Can I let go and trust?
Opening the pages, I find old notes, and my soul is infused with sacred breath! I read and my heart sings ~ emotions overflow my being with pure delight!
Jesus Christ labored in redemption to redeem the whole world and to place
it perfectly whole and restored before the throne of God. Our experience of
redemption illustrates the power of its reality. That experience is only a by
product and not the goal of redemption. Reality is not human goodness, or
holiness, or heaven, or hell – it is redemption. Redemption is the only reality.
Personal holiness is an effect of redemption, not the cause of it. We are called to
be proclaimers of the Gospel of God. As long as our eyes are on our own personal
holiness we will never even get close to the full reality of redemption. Paul was
not conscious of himself. He was recklessly abandoned, totally surrendered,
and separated by God for one purpose ~ to proclaim the Gospel of God.
Once someone begins to hear the call to be “separated to the gospel,” a suffering worthy
of the name of Christ is produced. Every ambition, every desire of life, and every outlook
is completely blotted out and extinguished. Only one thing remains ~
separated to the Gospel…
I do not remember where I took these notes from. Some of the words sound like Oswald Chambers ~ I cannot remember; however, these were words that spoke clearly to my soul tonight. Words that my heart needed to embrace once again. I can trust and let go of the outcome. I will live one day at a time as my life continues to be transformed and I learn what it means to be truly alive! I will bring those books from the attic down and feed my soul with wisdom from those far more intelligent than myself; however, I will slow down, embracing each moment as the master teacher leads ~ none of us has a perfect perspective of reality. The only one who is perfectly right is God.
When our theology is right, it should cause us to fall in love with God
and one another, which is the greatest commandment.
I do not have the answers. I do not have a clue about the future. I do know that in this moment the transformative work of God’s amazing grace continues to change me and draw me back to love. Each day I am finding courage as the passion I once felt is restored and my heart and soul long to know God. I long to be in community ~ fully engaged with those who have also heard the call to be separated to the gospel.
I am ready to commit myself to a beautiful body of believers who have given me the grace to find healing. I am ready to see where God will lead us… Peace, be still.