As another week draws to a close, I reflect on an intense week and I find myself  with emotions that perplex my entire sense of reality! With pause, I still myself for inner direction ~ a word or impression of meaning to flow within my soul. Silence. Silence that captures my heart with longings that I have suppressed in order to function in the treachery of imposed religious/cultural defined roles and meanings. A flood of emotions from the core of my being sounds an alarm of panic and still there is silence within my soul ~ mystery of the unknown.  Do I dare walk down this road again,  bare my soul, believe or imagine that there is a rhyme or reason to this journey?

My hand reaches to pick up books that I had laid down ~ books that fed my soul and imagination with purpose and meaning. Theologians who made me think and sit in awe of the possibilities of a reality my heart had not phantomed. My mind would spend endless hours, days, weeks, and months entwined with a hunger of searching, yearning, and longing to increase my understanding ~ to feed my curiosity of life… breath! Do I dare pull these books from the attic and allow my soul this freedom? Can I let go and trust?

Opening the pages, I find old notes, and my soul is infused with sacred breath! I read and my heart sings ~ emotions overflow my being with pure delight!

Jesus Christ labored in redemption to redeem the whole world and to place

it perfectly whole and restored before the throne of God. Our experience of

redemption illustrates the power of its reality. That experience is only a by

product and not the goal of redemption. Reality is not human goodness, or

holiness, or heaven, or hell – it is redemption. Redemption is the only reality.

Personal holiness is an effect of redemption, not the cause of it. We are called to

be proclaimers of the Gospel of God. As long as our eyes are on our own personal

holiness we will never even get close to the full reality of redemption. Paul was

not conscious of himself. He was recklessly abandoned, totally surrendered,

and separated by God for one purpose ~ to proclaim the Gospel of God.

Once someone begins to hear the call to be “separated to the gospel,” a suffering worthy

of the name of Christ is produced. Every ambition, every desire of life, and every outlook

is completely blotted out and extinguished. Only one thing remains ~

separated to the Gospel…

I do not remember where I took these notes from. Some of the words sound like Oswald Chambers ~ I cannot remember; however, these were words that spoke clearly to my soul tonight. Words that my heart needed to embrace once again. I can trust and let go of the outcome. I will live one day at a time as my life continues to be transformed and I learn what it means to be truly alive!  I will bring those books from the attic down and feed my soul with wisdom from those far more intelligent than myself; however, I will slow down, embracing each moment as the master teacher leads ~ none of us has a perfect perspective of reality. The only one who is perfectly right is God.

When our theology is right, it should cause us to fall in love with God

and one another, which is the greatest commandment.

I do not have the answers. I do not have a clue about the future.  I do know that in this moment the transformative work of God’s amazing grace continues to change me and draw me back to love.  Each day I am finding courage as the passion I once felt is restored and my heart and soul long to know God.  I long to be in community ~ fully engaged with those who have also heard the call to be separated to the gospel.

I am ready to commit myself to a beautiful body of believers who have given me the grace to find healing. I am ready to see where God will lead us… Peace, be still.

Time really does bring healing… For the past few years I have been processing and healing the realities of broken dreams ~ not sure that broken dreams would be the right term?  Maybe, healing from the harsh reality of my own naivety!  It has been a time of finding my voice and building a firm foundation of my own belief system ~ learning to trust myself and the whisper of my soul. Answering the questions ~ Who am I? What is my purpose? What type of legacy would I like to leave?  It has been a journey of crying, laughing, soul-searching, seeking, longing, frustration, hopelessness, awakening, anger, joy, amazement… a life fully lived, engaged, and faced with bold honesty!  I don’t want to just exist ~ I want to be fully alive!

I have felt a great strength forming in my spirit. Though my heart breaks at injustice! My soul aches for the reality of humankind! There is something within the core of my being rising ~ a courage that I have never felt before! A deep sense of wisdom that is being birthed ~ a  calmness that assures my sense of well-being.

I have thought about those who have gone before me that have had the courage to stand and speak their truth. Those individuals who have refused to conform to the mediocrity of injustice and have been instruments of change ~ voices of truth! Who am I to think that my voice would even begin to measure the magnitude of such strength and power? Who am I to think that it would not!  Who are you to think that your voice will not provide empowerment and courage for another to begin to THINK! To question and explore the traditions and myths that they may have naively accepted as reality.

One of the most empowering realities of my life was when my mind was released into the freedom of  asking ~ WHY?  My heart, mind, and soul was awakened within the mystery of my own humanity. The answers became few and the questions exploded into an amazing adventure of enormous proportions!  My finite existence within the infinite universe became this overwhelming wonder of what it means to breath, live, laugh, love, be… what does it mean to live?

I took a diversity class during undergraduate that changed me. I think that I left that class everyday deeply moved and some days even crying.  Awakening to the racism, sexism, and injustice within our world; the social systems that elevate the powerful upon the backs of the weak and powerless ~ I became disgusted with my own humanity!  After that semester I knew that I would never be the same person; however, I was not sure how I would ever bring all that was stirring in my being toward a productive and helpful entity for change.

Change happens one person at a time ~ one choice at a time.  When I choose not to tolerate racism or sexism. When I choose not to participate in the  ostracization of “those people”.  When I begin to show loving kindness to those who have been deemed unlovable. When I begin to rise up and speak for those most vulnerable and empower them to find their voice, one-by-one, change happens… Again, I look toward the master liberator ~ Jesus!

Today as I sat at The Grove,  http://www.thegrovechurch.com, I felt peace and knew that my period of healing had come full circle.  I am ready… passion for truth and justice permeates my every sense of being!  My foundation cannot be shaken. Trusting each day and praying for wisdom on the journey.  As I type , John Mayer is  playing in the background  ~ Say What You Need to Say:

 Even if your hands are shakin’

 and your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closin’

Do it with a heart wide open

A wide heart

Say what you need to say

Rise up and speak! In the words of Maggie Kuhn, Stand before the people you fear and speak your mind – even if your voice shakes!

In the midst of all the political debate over amendment one, and the “defenders of truth,” I find a solace in reminding myself who Jesus is. Jesus, you know, the one who is, The Christ!  I think that Paul found himself returning to The Christ again and again as well:

What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn’t work. So I quit being a “law man” so that I could be God’s man. Christ’s life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not “mine,” but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that. Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God’s grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily (Galatians 2:19-21 MSG).

Love turned Paul into a servant of Jesus Christ! Love has and is transforming my own life everyday.  Religion almost destroyed my life, literally. I often think of the woman at the well and how her heart must have been overwhelmed by the love that Christ offered her.  All the “sinners” throughout the New Testament who, The Christ, sought out and loved with  deep compassion! The religious were ready to throw stones of judgement and ridicule, it is written…

I am not a theologian and would not even begin to offer a theological explanation to this dilemma; however, I am a witness to the life transforming power of Gods love and amazing grace!  Religion destroys. Religion shames and blames ~ shame leads people to hopelessness and worthlessness. Shame attacks the core of our identity and removes any hope or motivation toward transformation because no matter how hard you try, you will never measure up!

Love embraces and reminds us who we are! Love reminds us of our shared humanity. Love gives us courage to make ourselves vulnerable before God and others for connection ~ relationship! We were created for relationship! It does not take a theologian to understand this. Is that not the beauty of the Gospel? Love. Simply love ~ with a child-like faith we seek with all of our heart and we find Jesus. He simply loved humanity and was willing to sacrifice his life in order to have a relationship.  Love, mercy, grace…

[ God Is Love ] My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn’t know the first thing about God, because God is love—so you can’t know him if you don’t love. This is how God showed his love for us: God sent his only Son into the world so we might live through him. This is the kind of love we are talking about—not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they’ve done to our relationship with God (1 John 4: 7-10 MSG).

Got love?

Change is a process… These are words that I find myself speaking on a daily basis as I encourage folks to embrace the self with compassion and love. The person that we see in the mirror did not evolve over night and will not be transformed over night. We must unpack our baggage of learned behaviors, unrealistic expectations of self and/or others, perfectionism, cultural messages of identity, shame, blame, pain, disillusioned visions of life, meaning, purpose…

So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you (Romans 12: 1-2 MSG).

Think, think, think! We are bombarded with messages from our culture ~ media, politics, religion… and covered in shame and blame when we do not measure up!  When we fix our attention on the beauty of our Creator, with courage in our ordinary life, seeking to know truth with open honesty of the self, the transformation begins from the inside and moves outward.

Dr. Larry Crabb, in his book Inside Out, talks about real change being possible when we are willing to start from the inside out.  This is another book that helped me to understand that I was looking in all the wrong places ~ digging broken wells! Having the courage to look beneath the surface brought an awareness of the great thirst that I had for something beyond the material things that culture presented as living the good life!

I have thought about this thirst often along some of my travels through the spiritual desert. A thirst for knowing and understanding what it means to be truly alive! When my thirst becomes overwhelming and my vision becomes a mirage of unsatisfying illusions, I return to the life of Jesus, and I allow my heart to be touched by the  message of the Gospel. Returning back to the basics ~ walking the journey with the Master! My thirst is quenched, as my heart and soul are nurtured by the sweet embrace of love! My understanding taken deeper into the reality of relationship, as Christ poured himself out for humanity.

Change is a process and the unknown can be fearful. We are being transformed moment by moment, day by day. Fear sometimes overwhelms my sense of living, and in my process of change, I am learning to run, not walk, back to the heart of the Gospel ~ Jesus.  As I allow my being, to once again, be captured by his gentle love and life of connecting with humanity, my fear dissipates under the power of his amazing grace! I am assured that no matter what the future holds that Jesus will guide my journey. When I start digging broken wells and my thirst becomes overwhelming, God in his great mercy, pulls my attention back to the living water where my parched soul soaks in life, purpose, and meaning.

Change is a process… I am so grateful for God’s mercy and grace. I am not alone!

I have totally embraced writing a new story!  I have spent this week exploring all the wonderful things that surround my life and bring me joy – energize my spirit and make my soul sing!

I entered the salon yesterday with a desire to do something new – almost sending my hair dresser into a nervous breakdown!  We worked together and finally agreed to just do something!  We agreed if it was wrong that we could fix it the next day.  We laughed, drank a glass of wine, and shared our stories.

I woke this morning in celebration because for the first time, in a really long time, I had an amazing dream that was so vivid and wonderful! I smiled, turned on the music and danced with absolute joy! I have not had a dream that I could remember in ages.  Deep gratitude that I could dream again! Inspired by the well of possibility that is rising from my depths!

I scheduled my LCAS exam and posted this event on my Facebook page yesterday.  Some of my friends commented Just Do It!  You can do it!   As a person who has a tendency to “get stuck” these words that I continued to hear throughout my day yesterday spoke volumes!  Just do it – do something!  And this is what I am doing… Courage for the journey, a new hair style, speaking my truth – unapologetically, following my heart and passion, and daring to believe in my own greatness!  Reminding myself that I am worthy, I am intelligent, I am articulate, I am courageous, I am a child of God!

As I was preparing material to facilitate a group at our local high school, I came across this poem again, along with an article at http://www.esolibris.com/articles/spiritual_growth/live_your_greatness.php, that I drank deeply into my soul. I made copies to share with my group because I think if we could wrap our heads around this, we (I) might never be “stuck” again.

Our Greatest Fear —Marianne Williamson

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,

talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of

God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.

—Marianne Williamson

Just do something!  What an exciting journey to explore those things that make your heart sing!  Tell your story and sit with others as they tell their story – what an amazing gift!

You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith, and hope.

                                                                                               –Thomas Merton

Took that quote from a friends Facebook status yesterday and owned it completely!  Do something!  If it doesn’t work, you can explore your options tomorrow! Believe, hope, and find courage for the journey…

The past couple of days have been challenging to say the least. The longer I work in substance abuse treatment the more I hear the echo of Professor Greene’s words, “The most difficult part of your job will be when you want recovery for your client (family) more than your client (family) does.”  I didn’t think much about her words in graduate school, however, with each passing day in the field they become more real.

I have had to dig deep as my heart has been torn to shreds within the last month.  I have watched substance abuse destroy lives and families my entire life.  My own family is plagued with this disease. During my senior year of high school my grandfather, who was alcohol dependent, killed my grandmother and then himself.  I have memories of going to visit my grandparents and having to turn around and go back home because he would be in a drunken rage.  I have seen members of my family waste their lives away and serve time in prison for drug related charges.

My heart breaks…aches for some semblance of understanding of this disease and the patterns of dysfunction that it creates for family members.  For me, it is time to return to Al-Anon, in order to maintain my own sanity.  This is a great support for family members who are struggling as this disease can absolutely turn your world upside down! You can find more information at http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/.  I am grateful for the support of friends, colleagues, and those who are in recovery that have made the choice to give back by helping others ~ people do recover!

Denial… abuse… co-dependency… the vicious cycle sucks the addict and family into chaos and complete loss of reality!  Find support, educate yourself, and set appropriate boundaries.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

(Although known most widely in its abbreviated form above, the entire prayer reads as follows…)

Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.

 Amen.

Easter is one of my favorite celebrations. It is the foundation of my faith ~ Jesus. In my journey, Jesus has been the source of my transformation.  Jesus is the one that gave me the courage to ask, why? Jesus is the one who helped me to wrap my mind around what it means to be truly alive!

I am reading Sacrilege by Hugh Halter http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcijXoLFoNQ&feature=player_embedded, and my heart resonates with all that this pastor is sharing.   I struggled desperately with religion and the reality of what my “child-like” faith found in Jesus.  It has been a journey of learning, growing, and letting go of my expectations that religion will understand Jesus.  This book affirms my own convictions with many others that I have read. Philosophy Professor,  Dallas Willard http://www.dwillard.org/   also helped to shape my understanding of this amazing liberator and source of life that I have experienced.

I have always sensed at Easter a time of renewal, new life, new beginnings. On this Easter I find myself recommitting  to the pursuit of Jesus. To understand and transform my being into a reflection of who he is ~ not the image of religion or culture. Jesus, the liberator of my soul and source of life that I found in “my closet” as my heart cried out for understanding. Jesus,  the revelation that transformed my life!

To fullness of life and new beginnings!

I recently come in contact with Alistair McHarg on Twitter (check him out at http://www.alistairmcharg.com). I have read some of his material and have deep gratitude for his journey. To the point, it made me laugh hysterically at myself! A big, gigantic, deep, belly laugh!  Again, why? Why do we (I) take ourselves so seriously?

I started writing these blogs just to share my story and to offer support and encouragement for others who might be struggling.  The amazing thing that I found was that the adage, you are not alone, became very real. My story is the story of so many, so why would I think that my story could offer anything new?  At that point, I just laughed at my propensity to get “stuck.”   I am not a “professional writer” nor do I aspire to be.

I hold a deep curiosity for what it means to be truly alive. I have even started to entertain the idea of pursuing my doctorate degree because researching such things has become so appealing to me. Human behavior fascinates  me to the core of my being!  However, as Mr. McHarg has made me realize, the pathologizing  of our existence bores me to freaking tears!

Why continue to write these blogs?  I think that those who have walked the journey, struggled through and overcome the adversity need a stage to proclaim that, you are not alone! And I add one more voice to connect our humanity! The upside down, crazy, inside out exploration of what it means to be alive ~ to  laugh when I become stagnant in my over analyzation instead of playing in the rain and splashing in the puddles!

Laugh, love, live…  walking out my journey with curious and ordinary courage!

“Normal” ~ to which I pause, smile, and laugh hysterically!

Easter represents to me embracing new life!  What would this year look like if we abandoned our ideas of conforming to the “status quo” and with full abandonment pursued the mystery of life? Dared to journey into the soul and discover our deepest fears, joy, longings , and engaged our truest self?

I scoff at those who would pathologize this amazing journey… find courage to ask why?  Celebrate your gifts, creativity, and unique forms of expression with fullness of being! Remind yourself that you are enough and allow your soul to dance with the fullness of each breath and sensation of what it means to be fully alive!

Here is to a rockin journey! May you taste the fullness of life, love, and hope!

Have you ever experienced a day when your soul soared with wonder and your heart sang with passionate purpose!  A day when hope filled your imagination with beauty and joy was birthed from an unexpected wonder!

Today I was given the gift of true connection!  A simplistic and unexpected miracle that evolved before my eyes and filled my every sense of being with amazement.  My insatiable curiosity of “Why” was fully engaged with the affirming presence of God as I engaged in story.  A story that echoed whispers from my soul to be still.

Have you ever sat with someone in their story fully engaged with all of your being ~ aware of their courage. Awareness of ordinary courage, on an ordinary day, that you have been given the gift of sharing the fullness of this individuals life ~ the miracle of life! The miracle of creation as your voice can speak hope for another day of discovering what it means to be fully alive.

On this ordinary day my awareness of the dark night of the soul became so real that my heart was flooded with gratitude for my own journey.  We must know our own darkness well enough that we can sit in the darkness with others ~ knowing the fears, insecurities, and doubts that scream  you’re not enough!  My soul felt overwhelming celebration on this ordinary day because I know that a spiritual awakening is on the horizon and I will have the honor of offering courage for the journey!